I want to share some communication advice my dad gave me recently. I had been telling him about some uncertainties I had around a work situation and a dating situation, and the advice was relevant to both. Really, it’s a general technique to help resolve any interpersonal uncertainty. The communication technique consists of a few components:

  1. Ask questions.
  2. Share information.
  3. Use simple sentences.

Ask Questions

In an uncertain situation, you’re missing information about the other person’s internal state. You want to know what they’re thinking and feeling. Instead of wondering and guessing, you can just ask! The other person has more insight than you into their experience, and will often be happy to tell you about it.

Asking questions can be scary. We may fear embarassment from what the question reveals about our own mental state, or offense if the question seems presumptuous. I’m not going to tell you these things are impossible, but the clarity gained by asking questions is well worth the risk, and people will likely appreciate your curiosity about them.

Share Information

Just as you wonder what your interlocutor is thinking, they don’t have all the information about you. To help clarify the situation, you can just volunteer what you’re thinking and feeling! This contextualizes your questions and actions, removing some ambiguity. Remember, no one is a mind reader. What’s obvious to you about yourself is often not obvious to others.

Use Simple Sentences

Compound sentences have fewer interaction points. Consider the difference between:

  1. If you’re interested, I’d like to get drinks with you. (compound)
  2. I’d like to get drinks with you. Are you interested? (simple)

In the compound sentence, there’s no explicit opportunity to respond. You haven’t actually asked them what they want! They might take the initiative and tell you, or they might just feel pressured to go along with your stated preference. The simple sentence structure creates a clear space for the other person to tell you about them. Separate your questions and statements. By clearly prompting responses, you get more clarity about the other person.

Recommended further reading: As I was writing this post, Cate Hall published this post on the related topic of skillfully naming interpersonal issues.