On the first night of SlutCon, brimming with energy, I wrote up some vignettes from the first day. As is so often the case with events like these, the rest of the weekend was a lovely blur. I’ve taken some time to process and reflect, and I want to share some of what I experienced and learned.
More Vignettes
Saturday
I wrestle with a friend of mine as onlookers play music on a Bluetooth speaker: first Duel of the Fates, then Careless Whisper. It’s a hard-fought match, and we both get sweaty and scraped up. At one point, I have him in a headlock, but inexperienced as I am, I worry about hurting him and let up. After the bout, he calls me out on this, saying that he likely would have tapped out and given me the win if I had followed through. I reflect on the parallel to flirting; it’s hard to go for what I want if I’m not sure I can trust my partner to enforce their own boundaries.
I try the circling workshop, since I’ve never circled before and I want to know what the hype is about. I find it pretty boring. I’m already in the habit of openly noticing things, and I’d rather reflect on events outside of the circle.
I go to a “live cam show”, two women on stage with a menu board of actions the audience can tip for using tokens distributed at the start of the session. I know both of the women involved, and it’s fun to see, although I’m less aroused than I expected given my usual voyeuristic tendencies. There’s an atmosphere of camaraderie among the men (and few women) watching the show, as we joke around and pool our tokens for the more expensive tips (e.g. face-sitting). One of the actions on the board is “request a song”, and a friend of mine puts on a song so good that I and several others ask him for the link.
I’m very excited about the clothing-optional hot tub, that having been one of my highlights at Vibegala earlier this year. I love being naked with people, and I love being in liquid. I get in during the day, for less time than I’d like as I need to dry off for my volunteer shift, and again for some time at After Dark. While I have cheerful, friendly conversations with my soupmates, I enjoy the sight of beautiful naked women. I don’t even notice at the time, but looking back, I’m very happy with how comfortable I’ve gotten with such presence, letting my eyes wander and feeling no shame about it.
I don’t wear any underwear to After Dark was the "afterparty" on Saturday night. so that if I have a boner, it will be obvious. My plan is for this to be a special, one-off thing, but I really enjoy it, and I stay commando on Sunday. I always wear comfortable pants, inspired by this Aella tweet, so I don’t need underwear for protection, and it feels very free. Maybe I’ll make a habit of this. My sexuality is a part of me, and I don’t want to conceal it from the world.
I get a little overwhelmed by the influx of new people at After Dark, and wander over to the check-in desk to offer some company to the flirtee I know and like on check-in duty, who’s eagerly waiting for her shift to end. When it does, we make a beeline for the bar, and I “buy” her a drink with one of my three allotted tickets. She also finds the crowd overwhelming, so I take her up to a rooftop for some quiet, intimate conversation. To be continued in my reflection on emotional connection…
Sunday
One of the security guards was quite friendly towards me on Saturday, saying he’d noticed me helping out around the venue. Chatting with him over coffee, I learn he didn’t realize I was a volunteer. It’s my job to move things around, set up furniture, and be ready to respond to any miscellaneous tasks that come up in the volunteer Discord channel or by direct request from an organizer. The recontextualization is pretty funny to me. I do love feeling helpful, but I’m volunteering for my entry to SlutCon, not just out of the goodness of my heart.
I participate in a workshop on “Navigating Non-Verbal Consent”. I seek out one particular flirtee in the workshop; I liked her vibe when we said hello on Friday, and I haven’t had a chance to interact with her since then. I sit in front of her and stare into her eyes, and run my hands along her arms, shoulders, cheeks, neck, and chest. She gives me the feedback that my reads were good and I backed off appropriately, but I seemed a bit rushed and could have verbally clarified at For instance: she moved my hand to her hair and would have been happy for me to pull it, but I was uncertain and didn't do so. That makes sense, considering the workshop involved a three-minute timer and I challenged myself to use no words at all.
I’m sitting next to a pretty woman in a group around a firepit, and another man wants my seat. He asks me, “could I talk you into switching seats with me?”. I’m wearing a flirtee wristband that I picked up earlier, and decide that rather than just give him what he wants, I’ll have some fun giving feedback. I point out that he didn’t actually ask me to switch seats, and question the motivations behind his hesitance. There’s a strong parallel to flirting; he wants a seat from a man rather than a kiss from a woman, but the dynamics are largely the same. It’s a fun conversation for all involved. He practices asking confidently for what he wants, I observe that I’ll likely give him the seat but I’m enjoying the will-they-won’t-they tension, there’s some discussion of whether I should ask the woman how she feels about the swap (I’m against; I’m the one the man is asking to move, and here at SlutCon of all places, I trust the woman to defend her own boundaries if she doesn’t want him next to her). Eventually, I get up to leave for a session that’s starting. Another man in the group slides into the seat as I do to keep the conversation rolling, eliciting a deep laugh from me as I walk away.
I wander out of “How To Be Attractive To Autistic Women”, having already internalized that I should be openly whimsical and not hide my weirdness. I walk by a small group talking about smoking a joint, and ask if I can join them. We find a corner of the venue and light up, then chat for a bit. I wander over to “Listening To Women” and enjoy sitting back and relaxing as the stories and perspectives wash over me. I’m always so curious about women’s experiences with men, the other side of the dynamic. There are so many Types Of Guy out there!
I go to a hair braiding workshop. I’m on shift, so I can’t actually participate since I might need to jump up at any moment, but I enjoy learning how brushing and braiding hair serves a practical purpose as well as feeling intimate. I braid my friend’s hair later to practice. It’s a tricky task that would be a lot easier with an extra pair of hands; yet another benefit of polyamory!
Night has fallen. I get out of the hot tub, towel off and get dressed, and start cuddling with some friends. There are string lights glowing overhead, and ambient happy chatter. I feel so much love for and from the people around me, and gratitude for the path that led me to this place. Life is good.
Reflections
Emotional Connection
I’m realizing how important emotional connection is to my sex drive. At SlutCon, surrounded by beautiful women in a context where it was fully safe to make my desires known, I found that what I really wanted was… to get to know a few specific women I found especially interesting. In a cuddle pile on the last night of the con, I groped and fingered a woman I barely knew. That experience was cool and novel, but not especially satisfying or arousing.
In contrast, the highlight of SlutCon for me was a hookup at After Dark with a woman I had several friendly chats with over the first two days (“Mary” in my vignettes). I got to know her perspective on the experience as a flirt girl, and we bonded over some of her stories of the more egregious advances men were making. She told me a little about her life at home, the empathy she developed for men’s flirting struggles in her experience at a lesbian bar, and her crush on Nina Hartley. The physical activities of the hookup were quite similar to those in the cuddle pile the next night, but the connection made it so much more fun, charged with passion from the release of the tension we’d been building. I was intensely turned on as I kissed and fingered her, hard and grinding, and I stared into her eyes when I made her come. Afterwards, I held her close and we kept talking and joking. She left for home on the last night of the con, and I miss her.
For a lot of my life, I didn’t distinguish between “she’s hot” and “I’m attracted to her”, and although I didn’t realize it at the time, that caused a fair bit of dissonance. I used to worry that I’m unattractive because I’m not having as much sex as others in my community, but having heard a few times that I didn’t need to be at SlutCon, I’ve realized I’m pretty great at seduction when it comes from my heart. Nowadays, I’m paying attention to what I want instead of what I expect myself to want. It turns out I’m attracted to people, not bodies, and I need time to warm up to someone before I can happily jump into being sexual with them.
Comparison Is The Thief Of Joy
A major misstep of mine at SlutCon was during my microdate, when I said I thought the model was the most beautiful person there. It was a true expression of my internal state at the time, and a big part of my goal was to just say true things, so I can’t be too upset about it. However, it was clearly a blunder, to no one’s benefit. Most obviously, as a public statement, it gave the women in the audience cause to feel worse about themselves, and made it harder for me to flirt with them later. On top of that, it wasn’t helpful in my active flirting with the woman in front of me! It put her on a pedestal, decentering myself and putting pressure on her. I think this kind of comparison-based compliment is basically never the right move, at least for me and people similar to me. In retrospect, a much better thing to say would have been “you’re so beautiful that my eyes are drawn to you every time you’re near” (which I had in fact told her privately earlier) or “I’m enticed by your cute, bubbly energy”. These are just as true, but don’t put down anyone else, and center my reaction (emotional, alive, sexy) instead of pointing to a hierarchy (thinky, crystalized, unsexy).
A couple women have expressed to me that they felt hurt by my statement on stage. I feel quite bad about this. Feeling bad this way is a signal that I’ve done something out of alignment with my values, and here, it’s clear where the mismatch lies. Avoiding comparison is a special case of a more general heuristic that has always served me well: Be Kind. Comparison necessarily involves an unkind judgement of someone, and that sort of thing leaves a blemish on my soul.
Specialness is important. I’m pretty selective, so a woman I’m interested in must be special to me somehow, and I want her to feel that. However, comparison to other women is Not The Way. Indeed, while comparison is a popular cultural script for expressing that someone is special, I think it’s really quite diminishing. If the person I’m with is so special, why are my thoughts with her about others? Instead, the important thing is to share what it is I find so special about her, expressing how I feel with my full attention present.
I Love Attention
Some experiences I reveled in:
- going to the men’s fashion talk and being used as an example of good style
- being pulled into multiple conversations people were having about style afterwards
- being on stage in front of the gathered attendees of SlutCon, and hearing repeatedly afterwards how great I was
- introducing myself to a microcelebrity (40k twitter followers) and learning that she also knew me by reputation
- being thanked for setting the tone and told that I helped a lot of men
- seeing tweets about me after the con ended
An experience I did not revel in:
- being on the edge of a cuddle pile with attention focused on the lovely women in the middle
I really enjoy being known and perceived. I want eyes on me, and space in people’s minds. I feel like my community as a whole is aware of who I am, and it’s fantastic! I’m enjoying watching Twitter follows roll in from strangers. I used to say I wouldn’t want to be famous, focusing on the costs. I’m starting to reconsider as I begin to feel the upsides.
Vulnerability
SlutCon was mostly a fantastic time for me, but there were a few low points, mostly centered around figuring out my relationship towards my friend I used to date. It feels hard for me to admit this. I got a lot of positive feedback about being publicly happy, so it’s scary to show my more vulnerable facets. Authenticity is just as important for the negative as the positive though; clamping any of my feelings makes me a less whole person, not just clamping desire. Also, asking for what you want makes you more likely to get it. In one of my weird headspaces after a conversation, I simply went up to a woman I had flirted with a bit during the weekend and said “hey, I’m in a weird headspace, can I squeeze your boobs?”. She said yes, I did, and it cheered me up a lot. Similarly, the day after SlutCon, coming down from the connection-filled high of the weekend (more on this in the next section), I was feeling delicate and in need of cuddles. I ran into the woman I knew from the non-verbal consent workshop, told her I was feeling delicate, and asked if I could rest my head on her shoulder. She said that was perfect, since she was feeling similarly, and we had a nice, calming cuddle session. I found it pretty easy to express desire during SlutCon; I’m much prouder of myself for my willingness to express fragility.
Gentle Dominance
I know I’m not submissive, but I’ve been unclear for a while on whether I’m dominant. It’s clear now that I am, with some nuance. Much of my confusion stemmed from my lack of sadism, which often goes hand in hand with dominance. I enjoy seeing happiness in the people around me! But pain is not the only thing one can impose. I am good, and I have power to shape my world. Mine is a gentle, caring dominance: you will feel good, physically and emotionally, because that is what I want and I will make it so.
A special case of this gentle dominance is imposing my vision of people’s goodness onto them. Several of the women I talked to had lower self-esteem than they should. One of the women I was most attracted to at SlutCon told me she didn’t believe it when people said she looked good. Another, whom I kept seeking out for charming conversation, routinely called herself a bitch. This simply will not stand. It’s really disheartening to delight in someone’s presence and have them try to shrink away because they think of themself as unworthy. I’m undertaking a personal mission: I will make women like these see themselves as beautifully as I do. The earnest compliments will continue until morale improves (and also after that)! Women have told me I’m too kind, but they’re invariably wrong about that; the truth is they deserve more kindness!
The Comedown
I felt really down for the few days after SlutCon. I’m writing this section on Thursday, and I still feel it somewhat. The weekend was a transcendent experience, full of connection with my heart fully open. Being myself is the easiest thing in the world, and SlutCon made it very easy to be myself, so it’s not that I felt drained (although I was very tired, having gotten very little sleep for 3 nights). No, what I felt was raw. The thriving connections of the weekend had dispersed, leaving my open heart to scrape against the quiet of life at home. I love being surrounded by friendly people, and the change was drastic. I sought out whatever connection I could find, trying to taper the withdrawal. I felt an undirected sadness; there was nothing to point to as bad, but my body wanted to curl up in bed and cry. I went back to the venue, helping out with cleanup but mostly just to find company in the other stragglers. I leaned on my best friend Cyn, both literally and metaphorically, and was very glad of her presence. I wrapped myself in warm cloth and cuddles and drank hot tea as the cold rain mirrored my emotional chill. The next day, as I felt the micro-heartbreaks of fleeting connection, Cyn shared some feminine culture with me, and the ensuing ice cream helped soothe my woes.
It was especially nerve-wracking waiting to hear from the women I connected with at the con. I’d given out my phone number to a few, but per the rules, hadn’t asked for theirs. In my fragile emotional state, doubts started creeping in. Did I do something wrong? Were they not as into me as I thought? These connections were real and important to me, and the idea that they might have been ephemeral sparks contained to the weekend was painful to consider. Luckily, my worries were unfounded. They had their own comedowns and reintegrations to handle, and by Wednesday, I’ve heard from each of them. We carry on friendly conversations, processing SlutCon together, and those local to the Bay express interest in my event invitations (and one very politely declines my brazen invitation to hook up). Some tension in my soul relaxes. I tell one that the comedown feels like waking up from a wonderful dream, and she responds beautifully: “Just because it was a dream doesn’t make it not real.”
Miscellaneous Reflections
A few people told me I didn’t need to be at SlutCon, because I was already doing things right. I came to the same conclusion by Saturday morning, but I didn’t know that going in. It was interesting to learn how much skill I hadn’t been giving myself credit for. Also, regardless of any question of need, SlutCon was simply a ton of fun, and as a volunteer, it cost me nothing to go, and I love being helpful to my community!
Much as I want to connect with someone emotionally before getting too physically intimate, I want to escalate gradually. I’ve heard tales from women I know about men who are focused on getting penis in vagina, and I just don’t get it. Foreplay is great! It’s fun in itself and it makes sex more comfortable and fun. Escalating physical intimacy gives me a chance to discover how I feel and notice whether I actually want to step things up, whereas moving too quickly can feel like I’m forcing myself into an expectation.
SlutCon was a fantastic experience, full of openness, authenticity, support, and love. Huge kudos to the organizers for making it possible! I’m already looking forward to next year’s.
Whew, this post was a doozy to write. I hope you got something good out of it, and I’d love to hear your feedback! Join the conversation on Twitter or share your thoughts with me directly.