I wrote this draft a while ago, and demurred on publishing. I’ve been blessed with an abundance of fun wrestling lately, so I’m posting this now to celebrate!
I quipped to a friend recently that I generally enjoy wrestling more than having sex. I was half-joking, and on reflection, it’s not actually true, although I have enough fun doing both that it wasn’t obvious to figure that out. However, the serious half of that half-joke contains some lessons. By reflecting on what makes wrestling so fun, I think I can improve my experience of sex.
Presence
When I wrestle, I’m fully in the moment, whereas sometimes when I’m having sex, I drift into fantasy. The clear-cut victory conditions of wrestling leave no room for storytelling. Whatever I tell myself about what’s happening, I either come out on top or I don’t. My focused effort makes the difference between winning and losing, and narrative can only distract and hurt my chances. I really enjoy this feeling of being fully engaged in what’s happening, and I think sex would be more fun if I focused more on my senses rather than stories of ego-validation or the abstract hotness of what’s happening. (In kink terminology, this probably means role-play is out and primal is in.)
Attunement Without Altruism
In both wrestling and sex, skillful execution requires attunement. In wrestling, I need to be aware of what my opponent is doing so that I can counter their attempts to gain control. In sex, I need to be aware of how my partner is feeling because I want them to have a good time. However, I can fall into a trap of over-focusing on my partner’s desires at the expense of of my own experience. Sex coach Mary Zoso claims that focus during sex should be roughly 80% on one’s own enjoyment and only 20% on one’s partner’s. Wrestling pushes me to be attuned to another in pursuit of my own goals, and that stance would serve me well in sex too. Yes, I want my partner to have a good time, but beautiful cooperation emerges from local self-interest.
Competition
I have a strong competitive drive. I’m not attached to the outcome of winning; I was taught from a young age not to be a sore loser. Rather, I find the earnest pursuit of victory thrilling. In games, I play to win, and it cheapens my experience when people I’m playing with don’t do the same. This drive shows up in my sexual preferences. I remember a time years ago when I was asked about fantasies at a party, and I described a scenario where a woman and I played <some competitive game> and the winner dominated the loser in bed afterwards. I clarified that in my fantasy, I did ultimately triumph, but it had to be a roughly even match. I enjoy the tension of being actually uncertain of who will win! I like bondage alright, but I find it far hotter to physically subdue a struggling woman. This drive contributes a lot to my enjoyment of wrestling, where the competitive dynamic is present by default. To get the same kind of fun from sex, I’ll need to actively seek it out.